29 Feb Go with a Gimp: Your Handy Travel Specialist
I’m thinking of starting a new travel service. It will be called “Go With a Gimp”. For the low, low, price of paying my way, I will accompany you on your vacations. In exchange, you will be able to cut directly to the front of the security line, board the plane before even those rich, self-entitled first class passengers and, in some cases, upgrade to the extra leg room seats with no additional charge.
Once at our destination you will be treated to the best in primo parking. After all, those handicapped stalls are reserved for the truly VIP individuals. Whether your dream vacation is to ride every ride at Disneyland twice or visit every major landmark attraction in NYC in a single day, your goals will be realized with our special cut-to-the-front-of-the-line pass
This service is not available to everyone. A strict screening process will be put in place to ensure only the finest candidates may utilize this service. The following conditions will immediately disqualify candidates from participation in this program:
1. Candidate is a rich, self-entitled asshole who resents the fact that the disabled get all the “primo parking spots”.
2. Candidates who believe it is unfair that disabled people have these services provided for them.
3. Film producers who hire able-bodied actors to play disabled characters because they don’t want to deal with ADA accommodations. Seriously folks! Black face is now considered an abomination. Why is “cripple body” tolerated?
4. Film producers who treat Latinos, Middle Easterners, Asians, Polynesians and Native Americans as one big interchangeable culture. This really has nothing to do with disability. I just think these people are dicks and I don’t want to vacation with them.
5. Republicans – especially the ones who vote for the repeal of ADA. (Ahem, Mr. Trump. How many times did you violate ADA accomodations in your own buildings?)
6. Any religious zealot mother fucker who wants to tell me my disability is (a) a punishment for sins committed by me, my family, my past life self, or “the gays”, (b) part of God’s “special plan” for me, (c) God’s test. Really only atheists and Episcopalians need apply. Oh and no Mormons or Muslims ‘cuz I like to flash my boobs on Splash Mountain and I know you people don’t like that.
Interested parties may submit a letter of intent, along with a travel proposal in the comments section below. Our customer service agent will contact you with application instructions. Please be advised, candidates selected for the “Go With a Gimp” travel program may be required to carry my bag.